Saturday March 29 - 2008
You know, there aren't many times that i've come across something weird, paradoxal even, which will make you stop dead in your tracks and have you go "say wut now?"
The first time it happened when i was 5 years old and still living in Suriname. Yes, I was born in Suriname. Paramaribo to be precise. Both my parents are full blood Chinese, but great fortune seekers that they were, thought that this land of sand, musquitos and taki taki language would be a fine place to live the good life. The lonely planet guide wasn't out yet in the 1980's apparently.
Anyway, sometime around 5 years old i started kindergarten school. My mom thought it would be a good idea to get me some supplies to make it all official. And since i already owned chewed pens she thought it would be a good idea to get me an Agenda / organizer.
Why in the world she thought i would need an Agenda in kindergarten i still don't understand. The only thing that consumed my busy life was; how to get my mommy to buy me the new optimus prime transformer today, tomorrow, and the rest of my life. Because let's face it, at age 5 my long term orientation would be focused on my next birthday. Nothing else. It's the only date that was worth keeping at the back of my little head. Anything beyond that does not exist. An empty void of space and time that needed no exploration by my part.
So we go to this store where they sell office supplies. Books, pens, paper and even a computer! This guy was showing me this high speed super deluxe gray TV wired to different types of extensions. What a marvel it was. I simply was baffled by this thing called "Paint". He could draw on TV! Making perfect shapes of squares and circles, while his hand maneuvered this weird cube-like box he called "mouse". My mom actually considdered buying me the computer. But since my level of commitment to new toys was similar to Paris Hilton having a new boyfriend, she wisely moved onto the matter at hand. Buying me the much needed agenda for her baby boy starting kindergarten.
I really wasn't that excited to get an Agenda. So i didn't care when the shoplady asked me which ones i would like to see sitting on the shelf. "which ever you want mom". So we picked one RANDOMLY. We opened it up to a page and it looked okay. There was a picture of a ship on the right page. "Look Raph, a nice boat! How about this one?" "Sure yeah, okay, boats whoopty-doo...." "Okay, lets try another one". God, the second one looked even more boring than the first one. No pictures on the pages anywhere! So NOT inspiring for someone that thrived on stickers of Disney characters.
"Okay, then the first one it is. The one with the boats in it".
We got home and i took my new little book upstairs to the living room. Mom was already going back to work at the restaurant downstairs. I took the Agenda out of the bag and looked at the front. Hm... it's a white bunny on a black cover. It made no sense. Boats and bunnies don't really compute. And he has a bow-tie.....thats weird? I turn to look at the back and something i had never seen before,..... suddenly would be permanently registered on my eyes. What the...... there is picture of a white lady on the back! NAKED! Like TOTALLY NAKED!!! She has big breast that were covered by both her hands. At least...thats what i think she's trying to do. She's doing a terrible job because you can still see them very well. Why isn't she using one of her hands to cover her other parts also? She clearly forgot her underwear that day. And how come she has black hair down there?..... The white lady clearly has blond hair on her head. She looks mad. Her eyes are a bit arched. Probably pissed that she isn't wearing clothes. But...she's also smiling? Why is she mad and smiling to me? The only time i've seen that, was when the fake Ariel tried to lure the Prince into kissing her in the little mermaid. Who is the white lady luring? Oh nooo, it is all so very confusing for my fragile little mind to comprehend.
But in real life, this whole thought process only lasted 2 seconds. It must have. Because the second i saw this naked lady on the back, my imediate response was "Holy Doodoo! i have dirty pictures!" Somehow, this piece of grow-up secret came into my possesion. It passed the wall of unyielding care, protection and censorship of my parents and found its way into my small-and-always-sticky little hands. Of course i raced through the pages of the Playboy agenda. There should be more. There had to be more. Where there's one naked lady on the back, there usually is more. There was more indeed. All of them as revealing and naked as the one on the back. Sometimes the lady would have clothes on, but somehow, not yet quite covering the bits i wasn't allowed to look at.
Sometimes there were more than one naked ladies together.
How bout that. Is this normal? Maybe it is. I don't know. On tv, ladies also go to the toilet together. Thats also normal.
Ohyea. Same category.
When I think back to the day it happened it doesn't seem such as a big deal. My parents bought me an hardcover Agenda to write in everyday, filled with naked seducing women. Big deallllll. Right? It's not like it had long lasting effect on me. Apparently, as i figured out later in life, all guys like to look at naked women. So i still ended up in the same place. Okay no wait. Not all guys like to look at naked women. Some actually like to look at naked dudes. Like that one kid i met in kindergarten. When i was playing football, he was jumping rope.
By the way, the title "Playboy" was really offsetting. I was a boy and i liked to play. The cute bunny rabbit on the front certainly didn't make it less adorable.
Now i think of it. I never did find that picture of the boat inside the agenda.
2nd story
Now, the second story is a little shorter, but nonetheless also made my train of thoughts come to a screeching halt, unable to respond approprietly afterwards. Again, the supporting character of that story is once again my mom. No she doesn't do these things on purpose. It's just in our culture and nature of my Chinese heritage. It better be. Or else we're really fucked up as a family.
I'm sure you've heard about the scandal that is going on in Hong Kong these days. This pretty boy Edison (singer, actor, whatever), famous star as he is in Hong Kong, managed to leak pictures and supposebly home made movieclips of himself with dozens of other "hot" famous women in the business. It's become quite the scandal. Women who are being idolized by all types of asians (young, old, male, female, kids, perverts) suddenly became the whores of the industry overnight. Well, maybe not actually whores of the industry. I'm being dramatic. But when these pictures break up a marriage where kids are involved, it really becomes a big deal. But man o man does this guy go to town. These women are all high profile celebrities. Certainly not the cute waitresses you see at restaurants or the hot girls at the university who look at all guys like they are premium Godiva chocolates.
It's all over the newspapers, magazines, blogs, families, friends. They all know. Especially when they're asian. Then even your grandma knows. It's all linked. There is this need of sharing scandalous information of famous people that connects us. Making us belong to one another when we can finally say "I soooooo kno what you are saying" "Oh no he dihn't!".
Like my mom.
So one day i come home after long day of brainstorming/sketching at school. We are working on a big design project for this company nowadays, and it really drains your soul and mental health when you can only get home at 8 PM everyday. Anyhow, I'm sitting behind my computer, trying to chill and release tension by reading news far worse than my own predicament. It helps. Apparently Britney screwed up, again. Some guy slept with Paris Hilton. No shit, me too.
My mom walks in and sorta hovers above me. Usually the list of demands follows next to her entrance. Things like "translate this in chinese" or "Help me fill out this form". But not this time. This time it's different. She's quiet. Almost too quiet. Somethings up. She wants something. And it may be uncomfortable.
Me: "Mom?"
Mom: "Hm?"
Me: "What are you doing?"
Mom: "Nothing, why?"
Me: "Stop doing that and tell me what you need"
Mom: "Well...okay. I just read the chinese newspaper and there is this big thing going on in Hong Kong. This guy who....
Me: "Ohyea, i know. This famous guy singer dude and all the women he slept with.
Mom: "Yeah exactly! Oh you've heard of it.
(Ofcourse i've heard of it. I've seen the pictures like, the DAY it got leaked. It's as if you're telling me oh hey brad and jen broke up)
Me: "I've heard some things yea"
Mom: "I want to see them"
Me: "........................"
Me: "say whut now?"
Mom: "I want to see them. Look them up on the internet. Googoo them or something"
It completely surprised me. How would i react to something like this? My mother is asking me for porn pictures. The 1800+ home made dirty pictures of at least 8 different famous asian women. It's not like i don't know where to find them. They're tucked away in some folder specifically made for historic world events that are worth nothing in content but kept the world buzzing for days, weeks, months, years.
Not to mention the internet, where i can Googoo for the term Edison Sex Scandal and get more than 1 million hits.
I can't tell my mother i have it. It is forbidden. Children should not have these kinds of things in their possession. It's like the asian law. The law that somehow got fucked over when i was 5 years old but okay. I can't tell her i know where to find it. That will make me look like i do this all the time. Always up to date on the latest dirty scandals with accompanying pictures and home made videos. NO!.
Even IF i would provide the scandalous material to my loving momma, it would also means that i'll have to watch it with my mom TOGETHER. She already has trouble navigating google.com so the task of browsing through porn pictures WILL and SHALL be put upon me. Oh the comments we will exchange...no no no.
Me: "..............n...mw...eh.........no"
Mom: "what?"
Me: "No.....i won't. I'm not going to help you find this?"
Mom: "What's the big deal. I'm curious. Let me see those naked pictures of all the women he took"
Me: "I can't!"
Mom: "Why not?"
Me: "It's too weird. No i refuse. You can't look at them"
Mom: "Fine"
Me: "Fine"
Mom: "Tell me how to find it i'll do it myself"
Me: "..........tell you h.."
Mom: "Here write down on this piece of paper how i can googoo it. What words i have to type in to get to the pictures"
So i did. I wrote down "Edison Sex Scandal" on a little memo and passed the porn searching knowledge to my mom. Who will look it up on my laptop in the living room.
I IM'ed an asian friend of mine and told him what happened. Yeah he started laughing at me ofcourse.
Then a week later we had another conversation on IM.
Friend: "You thought your mom was bad asking you those edison pictures"
Friend: "My mom also wants to show them to her friends"
Me: ahahaha. See! I'm telling you man. The old generation is evil.
Friend: "Yeah. sick stuff"
Friend: "My dad also wanted in on it"
Me: "What did you say?"
Friend: "I told them i refuse to give it to them"
Me: hah! Me too!"
Me: "Didn't they keep on going about it?"
Friend: "Yeah they did. My dad is now next to me and says he wants it for his boss"
Me: "Tell him he has to look for it himself. It's too weird"
Friend: "They don't believe it. They tried looking themselves but couldn't find it"
Friend: "My mom was like 'we can't find it anymore'"
Me: "Ofcourse they can"
Friend: "i dunno"
Me: "You've seen them right?"
Friend: "Ofcourse"
Friend: "They're still here. 1800 pieces"
Me: "ahaha having them always close by"
Friend: "of course ahaha"
So there you go. I wanna be good
Life's just not letting me
You know, there aren't many times that i've come across something weird, paradoxal even, which will make you stop dead in your tracks and have you go "say wut now?"
The first time it happened when i was 5 years old and still living in Suriname. Yes, I was born in Suriname. Paramaribo to be precise. Both my parents are full blood Chinese, but great fortune seekers that they were, thought that this land of sand, musquitos and taki taki language would be a fine place to live the good life. The lonely planet guide wasn't out yet in the 1980's apparently.
Anyway, sometime around 5 years old i started kindergarten school. My mom thought it would be a good idea to get me some supplies to make it all official. And since i already owned chewed pens she thought it would be a good idea to get me an Agenda / organizer.
Why in the world she thought i would need an Agenda in kindergarten i still don't understand. The only thing that consumed my busy life was; how to get my mommy to buy me the new optimus prime transformer today, tomorrow, and the rest of my life. Because let's face it, at age 5 my long term orientation would be focused on my next birthday. Nothing else. It's the only date that was worth keeping at the back of my little head. Anything beyond that does not exist. An empty void of space and time that needed no exploration by my part. So we go to this store where they sell office supplies. Books, pens, paper and even a computer! This guy was showing me this high speed super deluxe gray TV wired to different types of extensions. What a marvel it was. I simply was baffled by this thing called "Paint". He could draw on TV! Making perfect shapes of squares and circles, while his hand maneuvered this weird cube-like box he called "mouse". My mom actually considdered buying me the computer. But since my level of commitment to new toys was similar to Paris Hilton having a new boyfriend, she wisely moved onto the matter at hand. Buying me the much needed agenda for her baby boy starting kindergarten.
I really wasn't that excited to get an Agenda. So i didn't care when the shoplady asked me which ones i would like to see sitting on the shelf. "which ever you want mom". So we picked one RANDOMLY. We opened it up to a page and it looked okay. There was a picture of a ship on the right page. "Look Raph, a nice boat! How about this one?" "Sure yeah, okay, boats whoopty-doo...." "Okay, lets try another one". God, the second one looked even more boring than the first one. No pictures on the pages anywhere! So NOT inspiring for someone that thrived on stickers of Disney characters.
"Okay, then the first one it is. The one with the boats in it".
We got home and i took my new little book upstairs to the living room. Mom was already going back to work at the restaurant downstairs. I took the Agenda out of the bag and looked at the front. Hm... it's a white bunny on a black cover. It made no sense. Boats and bunnies don't really compute. And he has a bow-tie.....thats weird? I turn to look at the back and something i had never seen before,..... suddenly would be permanently registered on my eyes. What the...... there is picture of a white lady on the back! NAKED! Like TOTALLY NAKED!!! She has big breast that were covered by both her hands. At least...thats what i think she's trying to do. She's doing a terrible job because you can still see them very well. Why isn't she using one of her hands to cover her other parts also? She clearly forgot her underwear that day. And how come she has black hair down there?..... The white lady clearly has blond hair on her head. She looks mad. Her eyes are a bit arched. Probably pissed that she isn't wearing clothes. But...she's also smiling? Why is she mad and smiling to me? The only time i've seen that, was when the fake Ariel tried to lure the Prince into kissing her in the little mermaid. Who is the white lady luring? Oh nooo, it is all so very confusing for my fragile little mind to comprehend.
But in real life, this whole thought process only lasted 2 seconds. It must have. Because the second i saw this naked lady on the back, my imediate response was "Holy Doodoo! i have dirty pictures!" Somehow, this piece of grow-up secret came into my possesion. It passed the wall of unyielding care, protection and censorship of my parents and found its way into my small-and-always-sticky little hands. Of course i raced through the pages of the Playboy agenda. There should be more. There had to be more. Where there's one naked lady on the back, there usually is more. There was more indeed. All of them as revealing and naked as the one on the back. Sometimes the lady would have clothes on, but somehow, not yet quite covering the bits i wasn't allowed to look at.
Sometimes there were more than one naked ladies together.
How bout that. Is this normal? Maybe it is. I don't know. On tv, ladies also go to the toilet together. Thats also normal.
Ohyea. Same category.
When I think back to the day it happened it doesn't seem such as a big deal. My parents bought me an hardcover Agenda to write in everyday, filled with naked seducing women. Big deallllll. Right? It's not like it had long lasting effect on me. Apparently, as i figured out later in life, all guys like to look at naked women. So i still ended up in the same place. Okay no wait. Not all guys like to look at naked women. Some actually like to look at naked dudes. Like that one kid i met in kindergarten. When i was playing football, he was jumping rope.
By the way, the title "Playboy" was really offsetting. I was a boy and i liked to play. The cute bunny rabbit on the front certainly didn't make it less adorable.
Now i think of it. I never did find that picture of the boat inside the agenda.
2nd story
Now, the second story is a little shorter, but nonetheless also made my train of thoughts come to a screeching halt, unable to respond approprietly afterwards. Again, the supporting character of that story is once again my mom. No she doesn't do these things on purpose. It's just in our culture and nature of my Chinese heritage. It better be. Or else we're really fucked up as a family.
I'm sure you've heard about the scandal that is going on in Hong Kong these days. This pretty boy Edison (singer, actor, whatever), famous star as he is in Hong Kong, managed to leak pictures and supposebly home made movieclips of himself with dozens of other "hot" famous women in the business. It's become quite the scandal. Women who are being idolized by all types of asians (young, old, male, female, kids, perverts) suddenly became the whores of the industry overnight. Well, maybe not actually whores of the industry. I'm being dramatic. But when these pictures break up a marriage where kids are involved, it really becomes a big deal. But man o man does this guy go to town. These women are all high profile celebrities. Certainly not the cute waitresses you see at restaurants or the hot girls at the university who look at all guys like they are premium Godiva chocolates.
It's all over the newspapers, magazines, blogs, families, friends. They all know. Especially when they're asian. Then even your grandma knows. It's all linked. There is this need of sharing scandalous information of famous people that connects us. Making us belong to one another when we can finally say "I soooooo kno what you are saying" "Oh no he dihn't!".
Like my mom.
So one day i come home after long day of brainstorming/sketching at school. We are working on a big design project for this company nowadays, and it really drains your soul and mental health when you can only get home at 8 PM everyday. Anyhow, I'm sitting behind my computer, trying to chill and release tension by reading news far worse than my own predicament. It helps. Apparently Britney screwed up, again. Some guy slept with Paris Hilton. No shit, me too.
My mom walks in and sorta hovers above me. Usually the list of demands follows next to her entrance. Things like "translate this in chinese" or "Help me fill out this form". But not this time. This time it's different. She's quiet. Almost too quiet. Somethings up. She wants something. And it may be uncomfortable.
Me: "Mom?"
Mom: "Hm?"
Me: "What are you doing?"
Mom: "Nothing, why?"
Me: "Stop doing that and tell me what you need"
Mom: "Well...okay. I just read the chinese newspaper and there is this big thing going on in Hong Kong. This guy who....
Me: "Ohyea, i know. This famous guy singer dude and all the women he slept with.
Mom: "Yeah exactly! Oh you've heard of it.
(Ofcourse i've heard of it. I've seen the pictures like, the DAY it got leaked. It's as if you're telling me oh hey brad and jen broke up)
Me: "I've heard some things yea"
Mom: "I want to see them"
Me: "........................"
Me: "say whut now?"
Mom: "I want to see them. Look them up on the internet. Googoo them or something"
It completely surprised me. How would i react to something like this? My mother is asking me for porn pictures. The 1800+ home made dirty pictures of at least 8 different famous asian women. It's not like i don't know where to find them. They're tucked away in some folder specifically made for historic world events that are worth nothing in content but kept the world buzzing for days, weeks, months, years.
Not to mention the internet, where i can Googoo for the term Edison Sex Scandal and get more than 1 million hits.
I can't tell my mother i have it. It is forbidden. Children should not have these kinds of things in their possession. It's like the asian law. The law that somehow got fucked over when i was 5 years old but okay. I can't tell her i know where to find it. That will make me look like i do this all the time. Always up to date on the latest dirty scandals with accompanying pictures and home made videos. NO!.
Even IF i would provide the scandalous material to my loving momma, it would also means that i'll have to watch it with my mom TOGETHER. She already has trouble navigating google.com so the task of browsing through porn pictures WILL and SHALL be put upon me. Oh the comments we will exchange...no no no.
Me: "..............n...mw...eh.........no"
Mom: "what?"
Me: "No.....i won't. I'm not going to help you find this?"
Mom: "What's the big deal. I'm curious. Let me see those naked pictures of all the women he took"
Me: "I can't!"
Mom: "Why not?"
Me: "It's too weird. No i refuse. You can't look at them"
Mom: "Fine"
Me: "Fine"
Mom: "Tell me how to find it i'll do it myself"
Me: "..........tell you h.."
Mom: "Here write down on this piece of paper how i can googoo it. What words i have to type in to get to the pictures"
So i did. I wrote down "Edison Sex Scandal" on a little memo and passed the porn searching knowledge to my mom. Who will look it up on my laptop in the living room.
I IM'ed an asian friend of mine and told him what happened. Yeah he started laughing at me ofcourse.
Then a week later we had another conversation on IM.
Friend: "You thought your mom was bad asking you those edison pictures"
Friend: "My mom also wants to show them to her friends"
Me: ahahaha. See! I'm telling you man. The old generation is evil.
Friend: "Yeah. sick stuff"
Friend: "My dad also wanted in on it"
Me: "What did you say?"
Friend: "I told them i refuse to give it to them"
Me: hah! Me too!"
Me: "Didn't they keep on going about it?"
Friend: "Yeah they did. My dad is now next to me and says he wants it for his boss"
Me: "Tell him he has to look for it himself. It's too weird"
Friend: "They don't believe it. They tried looking themselves but couldn't find it"
Friend: "My mom was like 'we can't find it anymore'"
Me: "Ofcourse they can"
Friend: "i dunno"
Me: "You've seen them right?"
Friend: "Ofcourse"
Friend: "They're still here. 1800 pieces"
Me: "ahaha having them always close by"
Friend: "of course ahaha"
So there you go. I wanna be good
Life's just not letting me
